7:41 pm \ 18–9–2020
its 7 pm and its been 4 months since I graduated , the idea itself of graduation was a dream for me , a dream that nobody will understand.
The thing is, its not about graduation or life achievements. I always thoughts graduating, finding a job, have a stable life is a good form of life. I always thought when I achieve this; i will be truly happy but it was the false common idea of the world. It was the life biggest lie.
Maybe im not a public figure or someone famous but I know im someone who been through a lot in this life, people call me wise and insight but they don’t know what ive been through in this is the one who shaped me. and im very very thankful for this.
i never thought ill be thankful for pain or struggle , i never thought id look back to my past and smile, im smiling at the thing that made me cry the most.
Its a strange feeling im feeling right now, the things i thought they will never leave me, the person i thought ill always love , the life i always imagined for myself . Its all feel odd to me. they dont exist anymore
the man i fell in love and i imagined myself and my future with, i dont love anymore, and i dont even imagine my future with him, somehow..i imagine a future that leads from my present but not with him.
its crazy to see myself this way, im going against everything that i thought i love and admire and want in my life.
there was a moment , at June first \2020 when I submitted my graduation thesis at 3 am and i kept staring at my walls for 2 hours. maybe nobody will understand how i felt, i can’t even invent words to describe how i felt. imagine the thing you dreamt of , for almost 7 years and you watch the whole world is moving in their lives and graduation and you are still redoing. When i joined my university at 2017 , already all of my high-school patch has finished uni and graduated and i started when everyone finished. i still cant remember or understand where i found this power to stand alone for what i believe in vs the whole world and for a long time, very very long time. i was so focused on finishing uni and graduate with first class honors and it was like a very very far away dream for me. at June first 2020 the dream that was far away , simply became my reality.
Hence, this is not the point im trying to rise here, the thing is.
we all think if we achieve things our lives will be complete or we will be happy. we think that dream is our lives and no.
no
its not.
we are much bigger than our dreams and goals.
our well-being is much higher than everything.
i realized at the age of 24 that im much bigger than the things i wanted in life.
and this is the beginning of my beginning.
even if this doesn’t make sense, and I dont aim to make sense, not everything has to be understood or clear , some things are like this because thats how they should be
the uncertainty was my biggest enemy but now i realized its my best teacher.
im ready to begin.
