The fallen dots in T alphabet
While I’m sitting in a coffee shop, trying to enjoy my stupid drink that I hoped it would fix my mental health. I catch myself looking at some commercial on TV, you know the usual. Beach, many happy people, sun glasses and feeling the sun. I paused and looked at myself, am I disattached from the reality or what’s shown on the TV is a reality I’ll never experience or maybe my mind cannot comprehend?
Terror, suffer, unspoken words, uncertainty and unfinished work of art. The Messege we spend hours writing but never send, the language of unspoken heart that is used to leave its mark on the pillow. Sometimes I wonder where does artists get their inspiration, is it their reality of the reality of their own canvas. I always heard that the mind is the most beautiful feature that the person can have. They always asked us to be bright and successful. Have a job that pays well and a beautiful rich husband that gives you beautiful children. Jane Austin told us all about it from the beginning and yet we swap right whenever we see something bright and has potential.
I know I might sound random but I always grow up in a place when I saw others mistakes and wanted not to make them. I felt it was my responsibility to fix what my parents got from their parents, I always felt like there’s something wrong with me, like I am in a mission to fix myself. Yes I’m writing this in a God damn coffee shop while trying to walk or do anything that fixes how I feel on the inside.
You see what I wrote all above? Imagine that’s all I feel inside. Between the terror of the past and the fear of the future . I stand in the present holding my two dots in my T.
They say the mind cannot feel but what’s this? All my feelings are not felt in my heart, it’s on my mind. It’s the one who controls everything I am rather than I am. Thus, the fallen dots in the alphabet T is the story of mine.
Alphabet T in Arabic is shown as ت
As the smiley face that many non Arabic speaker it’s an indication of happiness and also smiley but allow me to flip it. That’s how my mental health has been. I feel like I’m holding into two dots and unable to recognize who I am anymore. Am I sad or happy? Or there’s a feeling in between. We always read and see about books, movies, songs that the self can change and we can welcome it with a smile.
I don’t think so. Although I’m hanging by two dots in the letter T, self change is insane. It makes me feel like I’m insane. I am changed, but I still know who I am. Just like two dots hanging together making a whole.
Although in the end, despite how my head can have feelings. Just like the waves of the sea. It eventually calms down.
