“ for a moment in my life, i thought my home will always exist in others warm arms . Until one day i realized i was always the warm arms that held me close. I forgive you , i am letting go”
she wrote that , with the final tear of blood fall into her paper.
The first she did while growing is to hate herself , she heard it from the world and believed it. The teachers, friends, boyfriends and even her own mirror. She used to grab herself in the mirror and punch it and kick it until she sees herself bleeding. It was blood and punches that was much louder than other’s voices. She never hugged herself , she always searched safety in others and thought they were much warmer than her. Imagine the love she gives to others; how would it be if she gave it to herself? but she didn’t know.
whenever she does a mistake , she punch her mirror and she begin to bleed. while her reflection was begging her to stop because she already feels bad enough, but she never listened. Years passed by and she kept doing the same over and over again until her soul became thinner than her eyelid. One day , someone else did what she does to herself and after that she was never the same. It was the moment when she realized she has nobody expert herself. She gave the others the love she couldn’t give to herself because she didn’t know how. How to treat herself as a living being that is growing and suppose to make mistakes; because mistakes are the prove we are living . But was she alive though? it sound ironic to claim that a lot of our souls are actual living beings . I believe there is a fine line between alive and living, a lot of us go though life but do we actually live it?.
One day she realized in order to live , we must die a thousands of times. We kill ourselves a thousands of times before we experience living. Sometimes , the killer is us. Sometimes its a heart break but what is worst than breaking your own heart for the mistakes you made? we grow up in a society when making mistakes claim us as who we are. we didn’t know. we never knew. we will never know. The mistakes we make were meant to happen to teach us something, but the world always told us “ well , you always do that” “ you will never learn” “ why did you do that “ “ i recall you always dated this kind of men\ women” “ you always said you felt this “ “ i never liked the men/ women you choose “
Just like she heard these phrases as long as she remembers. I’m sure you did. But here’s a universal truth, the world has a lot of gray areas that will always have right and wrong collide together.
but we always grew up believing we always must do the right thing. we always must choose right. we don’t have a space for the wrong. and when we do the wrongs , we beat ourselves and the world joins us. There is nothing easier than somebody who claim to know you but yet . Help you bleed.
She looked at herself for the final time and said “ i’m sorry. i’m sorry for the times when i believed others over you. i’m sorry for always punishing you for trying to live. i always kicked you to make others feel better and do things in their way. i’m sorry i made you cry for others who claim to know you and made you believe that you are not good enough. i’m sorry for the times i didn’t believe you and i believed my own self . I hope you forgive the times i never gave you enough love , and the times i neglected you because the world told me others love is bigger than you. i am letting go to all the hate i have for you . you did your best to reach me and i love you. Thank you for staying strong enough for both of us , im ready to get know you and experience living with you . you will always be my shadow and i will always be your light”
Then, for the first time in 10 years. She smiles at her reflection.
and her reflection smiles back.
let go.
